Many people make the mistake of believing they can ‘think’ the other person into acting differently – ridiculous huh?

But that’s what we do, we try to will them with the power of our mind and we complain to other people about it, but do we actually do anything different?

Sometimes we hint, or perhaps we even say “I can this time, but I won’t be able to do it again”, but then when we’re asked again, we say ‘yes, OK”

Albert Einstein is thought to have said

“The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again but expecting different results”

The way to changing someone else’s behaviour is by changing your own.

Newton, the famous Physicist, had a Third Law which said

Every action has an equal and opposite reaction

This law of physics applies is just as appropriate for the interactions between people, especially if they are someone you interact with regularly but not restricted to them, it works equally as well in all walks of life.

Translated from physics to a social science, Newton’s Third Law tells you that if you behave in a different way, without fail, people will react to you in a different way.

In our interactions with people every day this action/reaction is taking place, it’s automatic and unconscious but if you are not happy about your end of the deal, you can break the automatic old patterns and switch it by consciously altering your part in the process.

Practise first of all with inconsequential people around you, perhaps a shop assistant you see regularly who doesn’t seem friendly – try putting yourself out, perhaps saying something in an upbeat happy voice like “good morning, how are you today” and giving them a big smile – notice how they react to you.

You have just created that.

Then go on to try something harder, perhaps with your partner or children.

When it is someone who knows you very well, don’t expect an immediately change. When you change your normal behaviour around people who are already expecting you to act in a particular way, it will throw them and their first instinct will be to try and get back the old behaviour they are comfortable with, so they may resist initially. Change is uncomfortable for both parties, you may well feel awkward or unnatural and will want to revert to type, it’s easier, but if you keep your boundaries, they will fall into place and accept it.

The secret is making the change calmly and without any ambiguity or question. Do not leave it open to interpretation, be firm but calm and don’t give in.

When you see how people close to you without realising accept the new status quo, it will give you the confidence to experiment in other walks of life, with friends or work colleagues who are regularly taking advantage – remember change your action or reaction.

You are starting to take back control without those around you realising.

Exercise

Who in particular do you feel is taking advantage?

Write out one or more strategies you think might work to help you regain control of the situation and change their behaviour.

Tomorrow we look at why it is selfless and NOT selfish to put yourself first